They’re the definition of stereotypical, and they don’t care.
I have had some interesting jobs so far in life (my first was as an auctioneers assistant for a relics and artifacts auction, pretty NEAT-O). One of my most recent jobs that quickly went sour involved me spending more time at Whole Foods than any sane being should ever spend there.
While I worked my job at various locations of the Ferrari of grocery stores ($6 for a bag of chips should be a crime), I began to entertain myself through the boring downtime by people watching.
I don’t really shop at Whole Foods because there isn’t a very convenient location near me and I refuse to double the cost of my grocery bill each week for the same amount, if not less groceries. I am all for quality goods, I’m just not in a financial position right now to justify being that spendy!
There is a certain customer type for every store (I’m a total Trader Joe’s girl), but Whole Foods has a plethora of different customer types that converge to make for some comedic people watching.
I don’t have anything against those who choose to shop at Whole Foods, but I would not describe them as a group of people who have much of a sense of humor. They are serious about food and about their special non-GMO, organic, gluten-free, soy-free, low sodium, alkaline products…um you get the idea.
These are the unique people you meet at Whole Foods:
The Bee-gan (and other “less committed” vegans)
When you choose to become a vegetarian or vegan, it seems to be your duty to tell everyone about your choice and also let others know that their meat and animal product consumption is soooo not cool. There are the more chill members of this group, but they are not the ones you will enjoy people watching and interacting with at Whole Foods.
My motto is, the crazier, the better.
I have recently learned of a group of vegans that identify as “BEE-GAN.”
They are vegans that also avoid bee honey because it is technically an animal product. However, I learned about this sect and their bee gospel while discussing whether it would be vegan if the honey was from wild bees in the South American rain forests. Decidedly most vegans did not consider the wild bee honey acceptable to consume.
I just wonder how we got to the point where we cannot ethically consume bee vomit found in the wild?
They are hot, rich, and have husbands that expect them to only deliver them high-quality food, since they don’t have to deliver on an income. It’s no shock that they are shopping at Whole Foods. Rich housewives (trophy or not) get the luxury of grocery shopping at less busy times and never having to think twice whether something is on sale, because “it’s for her and her hubby’s health.”
I can respect the desire to feed your loved ones healthy food, I’m just a little jealous of the freedoms these ladies have in Whole Foods. True grocery freedom! Must be nice…
This guy or gal just heard about how awesome and healthy Whole Foods must be since it is expensive and organic.
You can get plenty of healthy food at a regular grocery store and it will probably be half the price, but being a Whole Foods shopper is a status symbol these days. The newcomer probably just got their real “big-kid” job and feels entitled to being more fancy now that they aren’t making minimum wage.
But let’s be honest, the newcomer has a fancy new job but is definitely spending their entire paycheck to shop at Whole Foods.
The over-share customer
You hear them yammering on in the nut or bread aisle about their gluten and peanut allergies to some random stranger who just wanted to buy their sandwich bread. They need the world to know about their eating restrictions and sometimes their bodily functions. This is the over share customer, making PSAs about their culinary struggles.
They want to make sure everyone knows about the evils of gluten and soy and warn you of all the havoc it will cause your ignorant body (less ignorant now that you have met them! *sigh). They mean well, they just are not actually as educated about what they are talking about as they think they are.
Accept advice from the over-share customer with caution.
That hot guy who only goes there for cold-brew and acai bowls
He has a man bun, beard, and some sexy athletic wear that shows off his pecs in the cold of the grocery store. The kind of man who brings on a stutter when you try to approach. This guy though, is only here for his mid-afternoon snack before he goes to the gym to complete his 2-a-day. It’s all about the cold-brew coffee, acai bowls, protein bars, and supplements for this guy.
Maybe a juice if it can be mixed with protein powder.
If I should ever make enough money to shop at Whole Foods, I literally would only find an excuse to shop there to meet these hotties. That’s just smart investing.
They may or may not have actually been at yoga class before hitting up Whole Foods, but you don’t need to go to yoga to wear $100 yoga pants. I have always wondered if some people wear their active wear to the grocery store because shopping is part of their workout or they are trying to attract one of those hot men grabbing a smoothie? Either way yoga pants do a booty good.
You will see them in the juice aisle or the more committed yogis will fill their carts with chia seeds, Greek yogurt, and fruit to make their own zen drinks. I like these women, I just find some of the spiritual chatter humorous.
Because, no I don’t want you to read my energies and re-align my chi in the middle of this store. I’m good thanks.
Hands-off parents with hyperactive children
These parents are too busy contemplating which soy-milk or juice box is healthy enough for their child, who is now lost somewhere in the store playing with bars of soap like blocks or just generally pulling things off shelves.
They ask their young children to behave (usually in a tone like their 4-year-old is 30), but they are yet to drink their first cold-brew coffee of the day and want to “let kids be kids.”
Humorous is the dichotomy between parents that won’t let their kids eat anything GMO, but will let them wreak havoc in Whole Foods, driving the rich housewives crazy, because we need to preserve the childhoods of our youth for as long as possible in our scary world.
I want to shop in peace. At least keep your kids in your line of sight. You birthed them, don’t make them my problem.
The customer who only came for samples (and more samples)
They have a basket, rather than a cart. And there is maybe one item in it. This customer came for samples, and just samples. I love free shit, but come on! They have had 7 samples of that chip and enough samples of the matcha tea that they could have bought a bottle.
I have definitely been to Costco with one item on my list and a craving for samples, but I try not to pull one over on the sample people making 5 circles back for maybe just one more. Most of those people at Whole Foods giving out samples are working to make a commission on sales (and maybe have limited samples to win over people with).
If you like the product, buy it. Don’t eat 10 samples and then go on to say you don’t like it. It’s just annoying.
That Hippie couple
They can be seen in the store rocking their hemp-made clothing and possibly without shoes.
They appear to have made their way to Whole Foods to feed their munchies. But shopping while high and hippie can be hard. So many aisles and delicious options to choose from!
They want environmentally friendly organic foods to feed their munchies. They may ask the sample lady 6 questions about their product, but it’s all from a good place. They are on a MISSION. If you have the time, you can best gain knowledge about what healthy items taste like heaven by following them through the store.
They came for booze
The poor souls who came for a bottle of rose or some craft beer and then decided they may need some snacks. Ya know JUST A QUICK AND CHEAP TRIP TO THE STORE….
They are the ones looking real lost in and out of each aisle wondering where all the regular chips, candy, and snacks are. They came for a quick run in and out, but didn’t know they would be sucked into the hole that is Whole Foods.
Finally at the checkout stand their bill that was supposed to be like $10 for a bottle of wine is now $30 for wine and that fancy trail mix it took 20 minutes to find.
So you’re thinking about going to Whole Foods…
There are many redeeming qualities about Whole Foods, although the ridiculously tiny parking lots that require their own traffic control personal is a bit of a downer… I just think they attract an interesting clientele. We all need to find some humor in that your grocery store of choice can be a status symbol, even though it’s just food.
Relax, it is a grocery store…But is there a tumblr for the people of Whole Foods like there is for Walmart?
If not someone definitely needs to start that one…
So, what type of stereotypical Whole Foods shopper are you? Let me know in the comments section or snap a photo of yourself the next time you enter a Whole Foods and tag @PartyNutrition on Instagram!